I should consider myself as the most fortunate. It's not always that life comes down to a road with just two ways to go. I've just got to choose from two. Now the most amazing aspect of my fortunate (read:sarcasm) dilemma is that one way I get to explore my passion and hence love for cinema....and the other way I get to explore love and hence passion for "her". My heart has been nurturing both since a long time I must say. The move has been made and in a matter of some days I will be either heart broken or passion broken. But of course I prefer love to my passion. I might sound really absurd and foolish when I say what I said. She is unaware of my existence. And for me she is my existence. Even i got lost when I said that. It's all just flowing out. I have no control and I don't wish to regulate the flow of my thoughts. Let them be. Some days down the line and you will find me using this space yet again, either for posting tears or a smile. I so wish to have her by my side. I so wish. Can't really lay all my hopes on it. If it does'nt work out, then I suppose I will continue living alone. Whatever. Please pray that it all works out fine. I have had enough of unnecessary and forced confusions and twisters in life. No more. Please No more......the question has been hailed, no sign of an answer.....waiting in anticipation

I have sinned. I tried confessing. Didn't help. I tried apologising. I tried screaming at the secluding concretes. I tried punching all that couldn't punch back. I tried crying my tears away. I tried laughing out loud. I tried slapping myself. I tried suffocating myself. I tried understanding myself. I tried pacifying myself. I tried justifying myself. I tried......in vain. I so wish that there should have been a Ctrl+Z Undo button somewhere in this world. Adding to my greed, I would say it would have been great if it had remote access....hehehe....some human tendencies don't seem to let go off you. Well...seems like all of a sudden out of the blue I have started getting an emotional tilt on the low side. Hmmm....the source of my pain lies somewhere, som corner of my heart. I never ever in my life intended to hurt. But at times you just can't help but slip into situations which catalyse the unintended urge to hurt. Selfishness creeps in. Humanness prevails. And all of a sudden am left with nothing but the realisation that am a near cousin of Devil. I look at myself in th mirro and can't see me. I feel left out all of a sudden. Its like Ive been pulled into a vaccuum. Not heard. Not seen. Just there. I try to live beyond the past, but that sure is a task near to impossible. Past is meant to stay. Iam not complaining even if i sound like Iam. Its just that Ive been so hurt, that I have become numb. Numb to any happenings in the surroundings.Numb to any emotions. Numb to .......Looking back at the decision that I took, It comes out as a selfish and insensitive decision. But looking at it closely I see that its the best decision that I could propel. Living for others, I have long given up living for myself. Taking any decision that is only to serve my interest would be the most hurtful decision. But again, how do you rate the degree of hurtness? Does it depend on the number of people you hurt or is it some other parameter? So many more questions adding up to my already so confusing cliched "Life".

"Try using a condom and lets see what happens" Nothing to do with what I have written so far.Am sorry.....and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Yeah almost the same bottom as referred by Stevie Wonders. I know it was indeed a bad try at humour. Ha ha ha.....I have so many more things to try....am a busy man. Idly busy.