There is no "absolute happiness". Happiness is relative. At least it is true for sensitive souls. My friend agrees to that. Today I found someone going through a similar phase as me. And when he narrated his ordeal, I realised that maybe this is what happens with most people. One should never try to pursue understanding oneself. "To understand" is non-existent. What exists though are compromises of expectations and beliefs. Life is a bargain. And compromises come in as an inevitable part of it. Sometimes the compromise is so demanding, that it deprives you of even the most precious. And Ive been robbed. I have lost my soul. I see so many soul-less around and I feel maybe I lost it to find my way back to somewhere. No wonder am typing too much today. This day, sure has taken away a lot from me. But I can't be affected. I have to be numb. I pray that all the souls involved with me find the essence of what I felt, at least through these writings. I do realise that I have been writing "around" a lot of things, and not saying anything concrete. The truth is, I have lost the ability to be concrete. Iam too abstract.

"Blame not thyself, what I endure is out of endless endearing"

I so yearn for a moment. A moment of understanding. What is the depth of my wound? Deep enough to run through a lifetime. I don't know if I have hurt, but I sure know that I have been hurt. But again, I should come to terms with it all. Iam cruelly good at that. Non -reponsive uncertainties have enough dominated my life. Been fooled many times by what was said and what was meant. A straight and simple mind can't comprehend said but un-meant words. I have realised for sure my major weakness at referring to context. I might have referred to a totally wrong context altogether. Window and darkness! the best medicines. Let me start staring into the dark oblivion.Darkness is like the present. One can't see beyond it, he has to go through it to encounter light.There sure will be light!!I hope it's not that of an approaching vehicle!!

The end result - I lost.

I asked a dear friend of mine about the point I made in the previous post. And he said " I wouldn't accept, but I would appreciate it". And then he added "Well, if its to do with love then its complicated". That sure made a lot of sense. But what am I to do?If I don't accept, then would it imply that all that I had developed "THEN" was just a fallacy? Would it mean that I never meant what I said "THEN"? No it isn't true. I spoke my heart all THOSE days. Then, it was me who convinced myself away from those feelings, thinking that it would be better for both of us. But why is it that my heart finds it difficult to respond? Maybe tomorrow will get me an answer. The answer sure lies in me somewhere.Pursuit ON!

Mixed feelings! A blast from the recent past comes back at me. And I stand bewildered. What I desired, what I wanted "THEN" is coming to me "NOW". But between the THEN and the NOW, I had come to terms with my loss. I had convinced myself that I need to move on and not think about the past. I had pressed and smudged that chapter into my past, quite painfully though, but had successfully done so. And now that chapter shows hints of reopening. That is when Mr.mixed feelings comes into the picture. Should I? or shouldn't I? Uncertainty surely is an eternal haunt. I must say its immortal and inevitable. Creeps in anytime and everytime.

"Most often you don't get what you desire, but you can never escape what you deserve"

Today I feel like wanting to cry. For what reason? I know not. I feel very sad and down. Quite purposeless existence kind of thought bothers me. Again a sudden feeling of lonesome haunts me. I aint complaining. But am just wondering why all these strange feelings?What is to come? What is in store for me? What's next?

Calm serene day, Peace in every bit. Feeling quite sorted out. Well I have been tamed by the sleeping bug. I don't intend to blame the poor bug that spends hours sleeping, I mean the "Sleeping" bug or the "nidrajantu". Maybe I needed sound sleep. At times my thought just wanders to those recent times when I had almost been so close to living for. Now back to singular democracy.I for me, and me for I. One thing though keeps bothering me quite is the pang that I hurt quite a lot of people with all that I got myself into. But, almighty knows it all. And he is well aware of the circumstances and the intentions. Then he tells me, you needn't justify or testify. And I oblige. I have stopped weighing my days and nights. I have stopped introspecting. I have stopped all that I needn't have started. This post might be the last with a touch of past. Now on, it will be the blunder ride yet again. And yeah by the way Gary told me that Len is coming visiting again. Hope to see you at the reception!

Sudden Post! I have come to terms with the term "Sudden". The milder abrupt. I relate them to the happenings or the eventful moments in my life. Sudden loss of faith, sudden burst of energy, sudden death, sudden life. On introspection, at the given present hour, am suddenly back. Have got my priorities listed in hierarchy on a post-it stuck amidst my fortune lines. I feel happy today. I have realised. I have already started living by "how I should have" guidelines. Iam arriving shortly! I have suddenly fetched my lost energetic zeal bundle. I have uncovered the dust laden and deep hidden charms to life. Not that I regret my past. It had to be there, for it has taught me lessons numerous. Past has taken some out of me and given me some. Am glad. Am back. This time Iam...

How can I ever stay abreast reality? Why do I tend to fly away into some fatansical-illusionary world of all good?I need to be tied down to ground-reality. I need some bindings to keep me from floating away. Time has come to change my material type from a light-weight feather flake to a heavy will'ed stable soul.Abstract thoughts stay away. Concrete thoughts flow-in. Go slow. Work in progress.

Leisure at hand. Felt like it. An attempt. The first.

Monsoon has departed.It's raining tablets and injections. Spinal nerve under attack. Testing times. Aloof and far away from the hustle-bustle. A short time, a chance to rediscover, rekindle the flaming soul. A season to come to terms with my present and my future.